Written Testimony
by Elegant Egotist
Summary: Know that jolly little chap called Owen of Jesslaw? Thievery and deceit from his point of view, including stolen pastries, flying knives, and a very angry Lord Wyldon.
1. Written Testimony, to the Cook

Disclaimer: Owen doesn't belong to me, nothing belongs to me, except the plot.  
  
A/N: ~bounce~ Hey! REVIEW!  
  
Written Testimony  
  
By Menna of the Dark  
  
What is the point of a written testament, I ask you, when I could tell you the entire thing? Sure, sure, you need it for evidence, whatever, but couldn't you ask some scribe to write down what I say? I mean, my hand hurts.  
  
You want it from my point of view? Seriously, if you want me to write it don't hover over me correcting my work, I know how to write. If you ask me who to blame the whole thing on, let me tell you, blame it on Neal. You know? Green eyes and black hair, tall?  
  
Urgh! Can't you read my testimony after I finish writing it? But since you already asked, let me tell you, Nealan of Queenscove planned it all. Yup, right from the start, he looks all jolly from the outside, but inside? He's not jolly at all.  
  
If he didn't tell me to fetch some book for him from the library this would have never happened. Mithros! Could you please leave me alone and let me write? I'll write down the explanation when I'm ready!  
  
It all started in a jolly good day, and milord Wyldon gave me the day off because some guests were visiting because of the treaty with those ambassadors, I was happy, I mean, who wouldn't? I got the whole day off. The first person I looked for was Kel, you know? Hazel eyes, brown hair, taller than tall? She came back from New Hope for Neal's wedding with Yuki, you know? Pretty, dark hair, good manners? Yeah, she was marrying Neal, for some unknown reasons, to me I see nothing special about Neal. Get on to the point? Didn't I tell you not to read my work while I am writing it? Get away from me! Um, please?  
  
Anyways, as I was saying, it was indeed a very promising day. Kel was fencing with Dom when I found her, you know? Blue eyes, brown hair, Neal's cousin? Wait, Neal's cousin, I bet they planned it all along!  
  
Never mind, you know, I think they like each other, and I am very happy for them. They don't giggle and they don't do yucky things, like Yuki and Neal. The thing is, when you talk to one of them about the other, wait, I'm confusing myself, let's pretend for a second. If you talk to Dom about Kel, Dom would get all interested and ask you what Kel say about him. It's great fun after a while to make up things when they don't say anything interesting about the other, but it wasn't so jolly when Dom asked Kel why she think him as a 'Yellowing trout.'  
  
I'm telling you, they aren't jolly when they are angry.  
  
Anyways, since they are so obviously occupied I went off in search of Neal. Wait, that's who you should blame it on, Kel and Dom, if they weren't fencing I wouldn't have to go look for Neal. Please, I beg you, blame it on Kel and Dom!  
  
Aiya! Why do you insist on looking at the parchment when I'm obviously not done!? Humph, me, overdoing it? I am not overdoing anything, I'll have you know, I'm doing this so you will not blame this on the wrong person. Anyways, you want it fast? I'll give you fast. Neal told me to get a book for him from the library, so I went, and that was when I saw, them, I'm sorry, but they called out to me, who am I to refuse their desperate call?  
  
You know, now that I thought of it, you should blame it all on Lord Wyldon. Well, don't tell him that I wrote this, but blame it all on him. If he didn't give me the day off, I wouldn't have to go look for Kel and Dom, and then going around looking for Neal when they were occupied. If he didn't have to go entertaining some guest, and in case you can't tell, I'm very not jolly right now.  
  
Wait! You know who Lord Wyldon is, right? Scary, scarred, strict? But I know who you should blame it on, those guests of his, if they didn't visit, Lord Wyldon wouldn't have to give me the day off, and I wouldn't have to go looking for trouble.  
  
You know his guests? If you do, then I don't have to write down their description, which is good, since I never saw them before in my life. Yes, blame them, I mean who would care about some ambassador-  
  
BLAME THE AMBASSADOR! Wait, I know that there is a lot of them these days, but still, I'm sure you can find the right one, I have total confidence in you. I mean, they don't have to come just because of some stupid treaty.  
  
Hmm, I guess if you look at it this way, blame the treaty, which is made with King Jonathan. Hmm, since you can't see or hear me, know this, I gasped. The king, you know? Blue eyes, black hair, handsome? Yep, blame him.  
  
Why do you insist on staring at me like I'm a lunatic? Did you read my paper when I specifically told you not to? Now, gentle sire, I am mad. I told you, loud and clear, to steer away from my paper until I'm finished, so I'll be ready to catch you when you faint when you read about the real thief, now get away and stay away. Um, can I have more ink please? Now, don't be mad, I hope I didn't offend you. Did I tell you, by the way, that you have really strong-looking biceps? Jolly good.  
  
I guess you would have to blame it on the war then, you know? Bloody, ugly, and occasionally jolly? War? Blame it on the war. Wait, the person who started the war, King Maggot!  
  
You know, sadly I don't know him that well, I don't know his appearance but I'm sure he's very maggot-like. Why else would his parents name him Maggur?  
  
Wait, the plot thickens. Blame the parents, why don't you? If they didn't came together and made the horrible Maggur these things would never had happened, blame the parents, I tell you, blame them! But wait, I gasped, by the way, is it really this simple? Their family line were made by the Great Gods themselves.  
  
Mithros forgive me, but I have unveiled your, um, veil of kindness to show the darkness inside, eh? You made this happen, you let this happen. How could you? I believed in you, and you did this to me. And I sob, just so you know.  
  
So, dear gentleman, blame not me, blame not Neal, not Kel or Dom, certainly not milord Wyldon and do not blame the ambassadors or the guests or the treaty or the king or the war or Maggur, well not this time, and not his parents. Blame Mithros for the pastries I ate. He put them there, on that table, he put them on that table in the library. Who else, I mean, which other idiotic person, not calling you names, Mithros, but which other thoughtless, empty headed block-head would put pastries in a library when I was coming? Mithros planned it, I tell you, there are no coincidences, it's fate, it's meant to be, so don't hold me responsible for those pastries I ate, for the Great Gods themselves planned it.  
  
You know, after I write this I understand written testimonies so much better, they clear our judgment and give us a chance to look deeply, to really understand, I'm sure those pastries were eaten for a reason, they were eaten for the greater good, for the greater scheme of things.  
  
WHAT! You put the pastries there? You? YOU? Well, then we all know who to blame it on, eh? You, the apparently generous cook, is really very violent inside, you must have planned it all along, to frame me, oh the treacheries of this world, of this bleak, dead world. Honor and chivalry is dead, I tell you, dead. And I sob, just so you know.  
  
Why are you looking at me like that? Why do you raise the knife? Why do you have a murderous glint in your eyes? What, you say that I said one thing correct? Well, I think I said everything correctly, but continue. What? You say that you really is violent inside? Well, good for you. Violent is not bad, violent is good. No, please don't edge toward me like that, please, don't, and lower the knife, please?  
  
Um, I finished, thank you, you may read it now, read it slowly. What? You already read it? Oy, didn't I tell you to not to read it? Well, read it again, you may find something you missed the first time.  
  
Um, I'm begging you, if I offended you in any ways, please forgive me.  
  
By the way, did I tell you that you have really beautiful eyes?  
  
A/N: I know it's botched, but still, REVIEW! 


	2. Owen's Greatest Fear, a Journal

Disclaimer: I don't own anything blah blah blah but the plot blah blah blah and the original characters blah blah blah so don't sue me blah blah blah.  
  
A/N: Read. Review. Do you think I'm making Owen too alike to Neal?  
  
Written Testimony  
  
A journal, you know, I feel like crying into someone's shoulder at the minute, a journal.  
  
It's not like I did anything wrong, the cook was harassing a knight-in- training with a highly dangerous weapon, a cooking knife, to be exact.  
  
Who knew the cook was so soft? Who knew his grip on the knife was so slack? Who knew he was such a sissy and would run crying to Lord Wyldon? He was suppose to follow the Code of Chivalry and say that his knife fell. And in some way, it did, right out the window and nearly sliced off Neal's nose. Oh well, he got too much of it anyways.  
  
You know, not that I'm traitorous toward my friend or anything, but Lord Wyldon should be glad, he always disliked Neal. Who knew Neal would become a celebrity so quickly? And I sob, just so you know.  
  
A journal, (the sobbing continues, by the way) Master Wyldon should have been impressed with my brilliant deduction on the pastry mystery. But he took one look at my written testimony and his face became this dark color.  
  
Blimey, it wasn't dark in an instant, if you know what I mean. His face took on phases; it was really quite jolly to watch. At first, it was this orange color close to the shade of normal flesh, and then it took on this pink rosy color. After that it became wholly red and then purple, then this green color, and finally a blue shade. But just when I thought he reached all the colors of the rainbow he finally went black. You should have seen his eyes, they were popping out, you could see the red thingies of his eyes, and then you notice these veins popping out of his forehead, then it wasn't so jolly anymore.  
  
The rest of this little meeting was too frightening to write down, I still have nightmares about that meeting.  
  
I sigh, one small sentence I can repeat, "Since you like writing so much I shall consent you." Lord Wyldon said that, and he give me this unjolly huge book with this unjolly inkbottle and unjolly pen.  
  
Look, here he comes.  
  
Good afternoon, Master Wyldon! What can I do for you? What? You want to see my journal? But it's a personal diary! You can't read it!  
  
No, no, I haven't written unjolly things about anyone, especially not you.  
  
No! Don't take it!  
  
No, I really didn't write anything about anything, but I just want this page.  
  
Why? Oh! That's right, I almost forgot, Kel told me to do something for her, and I wrote it down on this page, I need it.  
  
Oh no, hi Kel!  
  
Have you forgotten anything? Oh yes, Dom told me that he wants to meet you outside in the courtyard.  
  
~strained~ Oh this isn't jolly, HI DOM!  
  
No, don't pressure her, Lord Wyldon, she told me she's really stressed out by all these pressures you are putting on her.  
  
Yes KEL you DID say that and DOM, did I tell you that Neal wanted to talk to you about something?  
  
No, you said that, Kel, I distinctly remember you saying something about all the pressures and strains, and DOM, she's asking you about the courtyard meeting because of the pressures and strains, did I tell you Neal want to talk to you?  
  
Lord Wyldon, don't yell, can't you see that these two needs some time to sort things out?  
  
DOM, ~through clenched teeth~ N.E.A.L.A.N. wants to T.A.L.K to you.  
  
~weakly~ Neal! Hi! Why are you here? Yuki has been looking for you, and didn't you say that you wanted to talk to Dom? Yes, you did want to talk to Dom! AND YUKI ALSO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!  
  
YUKI! Hi! Neal has been missing you and he's hallucinating that you wants to talk to him!  
  
What? Lord Wyldon, I can't hear them because you are yelling.  
  
Kel, Dom told me that he likes you!  
  
Ow, Dom, what's that for?  
  
Yuki, that's a fake nose on Neal's face!  
  
OW, Neal!  
  
Ok, yes you all have problems, go now, please go now!  
  
WHA- don't yell, c'mon, just go! AND KEL, take this journal with you because YOU W.A.N.T.E.D this page.  
  
Mithros's Nose, where is the journal?  
  
OW! Lord Wyldon, oh my god, oh any god, my god, how did you get the journal?  
  
OWWWWWWWWW! 


End file.
